


if you let it shine (you can free your mind)

by phasedvelocity



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Accidental, Adorable, Cold, Confession, Friends to Lovers, Inspired by a Tumblr Prompt, Love, M/M, Pining, Winter, gay as fuck, josh with red hair bcs its cute, okay wow, reciprocated love, sweater, tyler pining lmao, when are they gonna buy milk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2019-01-10 10:37:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12297441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phasedvelocity/pseuds/phasedvelocity
Summary: Person A talks through Person B's door thinking they're not home but Person B hears everything.idea from otpprompts on tumblr.





	if you let it shine (you can free your mind)

**Author's Note:**

> meh this is my first time writing a first person pov in present tense so idk its either gonna look weird or cringy

friends.

that's just what we are. but, it's okay though. maybe. i don't know.

i walk through the cold breeze of the are, it engulfing my whole body as if i wasn't cold enough on the inside already.

it's also confusing at the same time. why do i always surrender to these stupid impossible feelings?

what kind of dumb idiot falls in love with their bestfriend?

i close my eyes tightly as if the stupid butterflies i got from him can go away and wouldn't come back but that just isn't how things work, is it?

shocker, a person falls in love with their bestfriend. it amaze me how clichè that sounds and how i'm a part of that stupid stereotype. i wish i wasn't like this, i wish i don't have feelings that will eventually kill me every second of the day, especially it getting stronger whenever i see his pretty face all the time.

i arrive at my doorstep and took out the key from my pocket to unlock it. somehow, i notice how i'm exhausted and frustrated at the same time when the cold swept away as i enter the house and a new warm emptiness surround me.

  
" josh? ", i called out into the void that is my apartment. our apartment.

no response.

" i guess he isn't home.", i mutter to myself as i feel a little relief because i don't want josh seeing me in this state. it's going to make it even worse.

so i go to the kitchen and get a glass of water. the apartment is so quiet and a bit eerie at the same time. but at this point, i don't care if a ghost wants to kill me because that would be great.

i wonder where josh went? he usually tells me whenever he's going out somwhere even for a bit. maybe he just forgot? or he probably doesn't care about me anymore.

i sigh despondently and run my fingers through my hair in attempt to get these thoughts out of my head but it doesn't work. i'm stupid. i should've just push all the feelings away once it started to manifest in me and now it feels permanent and i hate myself for it.

i sigh again and walk to my room. on the way there, i walk by josh's room and his door got some x-files stuff and a picture of us together all happy. i smile at myself, reminiscing back the memory where we went on a trip out of nowhere and ended up lost so we have to ask the guy who worked at a random gas station whom josh suspected that he was an extra-terrestial being? josh is silly but an adorable one.

i snap out of the bright memory into the blue and cold apartment of ours. i frown and purse my lips as my head felt heavy. so i lay my forehead against the door with a thump that hurts but i didn't make a response. i feel too clouded to feel such miniature physical pain when i actually feel so much pain, excessive in fact, inside. i can feel it in my head, in my bones, in every living cell.

and it just- it hurts so much.

i wish it would fucking go away instead of ripping my insides into pieces and destroy me. i hate this. i hate this so much.

tears starting to fall down my cheeks. it was drops at first but it has turn into a literal stream.

somehow i have the energy to open my mouth.

" j-josh.", my voice cracked.

i know josh isn't here but maybe i can pretend he's listening.

" i-i think i like you. not in a friend way. or bestfriend way. i meant, i like like you. in fact, maybe, just maybe, i'm in love with you.", i bite my lips, holding back the tears.

" you- you make me feel loved and- and i know, fuck-", i wipe my tears away with my sleeve. " i know you're not gonna like me back because-", i begin to sob.

" - because that's just impossible. i- you must be so disgusted by me and i understand. i just-", i close my eyes. " it hurts so much, j. it really do but please, don't feel bad. i- i probably deserve this. i don't know, maybe this is karma or something.", i chuckled dryly.

" i love you, josh and i know you're not here but... i don't know why i'm doing this. ", i whispered and lifted my head off from the door, thinking that this is incredibly stupid.

i wipe the tear stains off until my cheeks burns and glance at josh's door. " this is stupid.", i said to myself.

i walked away from the door to my room just at the end of the hallway but i stopped when i heard a creak from a door.

josh's door.

i freeze, scared to look behind me and face the embarrassment. i mentally facepalmed myself and i really want to just run to my room and lock the door and stay in there forever.

" tyler? ", josh's mellow voice came from behind me.

i turn around like nothing happened and look at him, trying to be nonchalant. " hey. ", i gulp. " i thought you're not home? ", my voice slightly quivers.

" i- yeah, i'm not out.", josh goes silent.

" okay, cool. ", i turn around to continue my journey to my own room, desperately trying to escape from this awkwardness and idiocy of myself.

i fasten my pace and as i am about to reach my room, a voice calls out for me.

" hey, ty. ",

fuck.

" mhhmm? ", i didn't turn around or face him.

" what was that? ", josh asks in confusion.

double fuck.

" what was what? ", yeah, this isn't going to buy him. " you know, i just remembered, we ran out of milk so if you wanna go somewhere, don't forget to buy milk- if you can, that is.", i change the subject hoping he realize that i really don't want to talk about this.

" ty.", josh calls again.

i turn around to face him with a straight face. " yeah, josh?",

he looks confused and probably weirded out honestly.

" what was _that_? ", he emphasizes on 'that' which makes me terrified because he doesn't look like he likes it.

obviously.

fucking hell, obviously.

curse me for having such a little glint of hope.

" it was nothing. i was just being dumb like i always am so please, just forget everything. it doesn't matter. ",

i turn around and face away from him as i feel my eyes turning glass that blurs my vision. i walk to my room and close the door.

i completely broke down on the floor, not even have the energy to land on my bed. i made a huge fucking mistake. this is all my fault.

this is all my fault.

:::

i wake up with heavy eyes and tired bones. i feel almost nothing but then the similar pain returns, but more painful. but i don't have the energy to cry anymore. i just feel like death.

i go to the bathroom to wash my face and i jump in response to seeing the reflection of my face in the mirror. i look horrible. it's not that i have bruises or any acnes. i just look tired and slumped, almost like there isn't anything that written ' happy ' on my face at all. it almost makes me can't recognize my own face.

i want to claw my face and replace it with a new one. maybe that could get josh to like me back. or get rid of the extra fats of my stomach or my arms or my thighs or all of them so i could feel pretty and validated.

maybe if i wasn't so fucking sad and stupid all the time, josh would actually taken an interest at me. who the fuck wants someone as dumb, ugly, fat and depressed as me?

nobody wants that at all.

i am unwanted.

hah, like that hasn't been established yet.

fucking whatever.

i walk back to my bed and hoping that i would sleep forever and ever so no one would see me or have to put up with me. this is good for everyone. this is good for josh.

:::

i get waken up by the soft knocking on my door. " tyler. ",

jesus fuck. i want to bury myself even more into this duvet.

" are you okay? ", josh's soft voice muffled from outside.

" i'm okay. ", i answer, hoping that he would leave me alone after that.

" oh. uh. do you want to eat? i made pancakes.", i can hear josh's hopeful tone in his voice.

" no, i'm good.", hopefully, josh would walk away and leave me alone.

" but you havent eaten yet? ", josh's voice turns into worry.

" yeah. it's okay though.", i tried to make his voice sounds ecstatic and happy and genuine but i don't know if it works.

there is a slight pause but josh replied with a faint, almost disappointed " okay. ".

i sigh and close my eyes as my head fall onto the pillow and i grunt at myself for being such a stupid human being. i upsetted josh, what more can i fuck up now?

:::

i put on my oversized jacket and scarf around my neck, gently wrapping it as i start to feel the warmth seeping around my body. i ruffle my hair, feeling insecure by how messy and all over the place it looks but i push it away and continue wearing my shoes.

i have the need to take a walk after spending the whole day in my bed and self-degrading which tires me out.

taking a walk would be great right?

i hope so.

i face the door, staticly and stare at it, contemplating how do i not make the situation awkward or pathetic if i did bump into josh.

simple, like everything i do when i'm facing a problem, i pretend to not care and run away from it until i forgot every single thing about it.

so that's what i'm gonna do. hopefully, it will work but it will most likely not work at all. in fact, i'm doing this because even though there are other options to do but clearlt i'm just a weak person to do those things.

face my feelings? nah uh.

but pushing it away? hell yes.

mainly the reason why every single piece of my body is toxic and it will make everyone around me feel toxic too. at this point, i don't even know why josh stick around. i don't understand how anything about me that is good even exists?

i realize that i've been staring at the door for 10 minutes and i quickly take my phone and open the door almost slowly so there wouldn't be any creaks and softly step outside.

it feels like no one is here because it's so quiet and empty, it almost feels a bit scary in a way. but despite that, i close my door and go to the front door to get the crap out.

but my observation was false as i see josh fiddling his phone on the couch in a hoodie that actually looks great on him. his red hair sticking out and he is too focus on his phone.

i can really feel the tense in the atmosphere and it's actually choking me to the brink of tears but i push it deep down and continue on my way to the door like a normal person. this is what we call pretending and pushing away, ladies and gentlemen.

" where are you going? ", josh sit up from his position and look at him, curiously.

" out. i mean, taking a walk on the out.. side.",

that's not awkward at all. good job, tyler.

i give him a small smile and turn around to open the door.

" mind if i join you? ", josh ask me, standing up and putting his phone in his pocket.

shit shit shit.

i hesitate. " i- yeah, if you want to. ", i shrug my shoulders and bit my tongue in response to how much of an idiot i am.

the only point of this walk is to forget about josh and talking up to myself to forget about him. and now that josh is gonna be joining it, i wouldn't be getting over it but i would be caught getting under it even more. and that's not good at all.

and this would mean an actual interview about the stupid thing i did yesterday for the whole walk and i'm definitely not ready or even have the bravery for confrontation especially with josh.

this is literally the opposite of pretending and pushing away.

dammit.

josh seems surprised by my response and flashes a grin at me before going to his room to get ready. i open the front door, feeling the cold air hitting me in the face and wait there until josh comes out from his room while fixing his sweater and ruffling his hair.

i couldn't help but stare at how adorable he looks in hus big sweater and his messy red hair. i blush when i got caught staring at him when he looks up at me and meets my heart eyes. i coughed awkwardly and look away.

good job, dumbass.

i wait for josh to walk out the front door and i lock the door with my keys before proceeding the 'most-likely-gonna-be-awkward' walk.

the cold pavement make our steps sound loud as the devoid of interaction begins. but i feel like this is a good thing. this way, i won't have to face anything but let's be real, josh is going to start a conversation. whether it's a funny one or a real one. it's predictably unpredictable.

i watch my feet as it move because i don't have anywhere else to look at. god forbid i look at josh and then feel like my knees is going to stop working.

" tyler? ",

here we go.

" yes? "

" i want you to be honest with me."

my eyebrows raise at the response and i feel my heart thumping about what he's gonna do. my hands feel clammy and starts shaking a little bit so i put them in my pockets.

" do you think aliens are real? ", josh tries to hide his smile.

i let out a sigh of relief and facepalms, chuckling a bit. " oh boy. ",

" what? ", josh grins as he whines.

" you're too cute. ", i blurt out.

wait fuck.

" and... annoying at the same time.", i added to cover my excessive adoration for josh.

i see josh blushing beside me with a sweet smile and i assume that it's caused by the cold winter.

" hey i'm not annoying! ", josh pushes me and i wobble a bit from my steps.

i laugh at his protest and push him back but a little weaker. " yeah, right. ", i roll my eyes.

" you wouldn't love me if i'm annoying.",

i go silent and almost trip over a rock but i gather myself back together at fast as possible so josh wouldn't see that i'm falling apart. the laughter dies really fast.

i don't know what to say. i ponder how josh can joke about this. even if i say my feelings out loud i would just cringe and want to instantly die.

" ty.", josh stops at his tracks.

i stop a few steps after him and stay there, not facing him but facing the ground. " don't.", i feel tears starts to pool up my eyes.

" no, i just-", i hear josh move in front of me and hold out his right hand to lift my head up. " listen."

i look at him intently as i feel tears silently streaming down my face. josh wipe the off with his thumb and guilt flash across his face when he realize that i'm crying.

" i probably came off as an asshole-",

" no, you didn't.", i cut him off with a protest.

" shh- okay listen. ", josh walks closer to me until i can feel his breath against my lips.

this is oddly dreamy. it feels like i'm in a dream. i know this is real life but i feel cloudy and very light. josh has never been this close to me and i just want to kiss him but i'm so afraid.

" do you mean what you said? ", josh lightly speaks, looking deep into my eyes.

i gulp and feel very hard to look at him back. " i-i- you know, it's- well uh i mean- sure- yes, i do. ", i stuttered horribly. " b-but you don't have to think about that.", i quiveringly claim. " i told you, you should forget about it.", i take a step back and sadly smile at him.

josh looks disbelief and a bit disappointed. " wait, but-",

" josh.", i hold his hands. "if it's rejection you're gonna say to me, it's best if you don't.", i pat his shoulder. " because i don't want to hear you say it.",

i let go of his hands and continue my morning walk, trying to not cry after realizing that josh is going to not reciprocate my feelings.

suddenly, i feel someone catch my arm, making me unable to go further.

" tyler joseph.", josh quietly say my name. " you dumb idiot.",

i'm taken aback as i hear him cuss me out. i'm so confused

" stop pushing things away. especially me. ", josh faces me. " i care about you a lot. you mean so much to me, don't you understand?",

i look at him weirdly. what is he trying to say?

as i'm about to say a response, he cut me off again.

" stop thinking so bad about yourself. you're the most amazing person i've ever met in my life. ", josh comes closer to me.

" i'm so proud to be loved by somebody like you. ", he trails off and clutches my jacket, pulling me closer. " and i'm also proud that i love somebody like you. ",

my jaw drops to the pavement and i look at him feeling disbelief and relieve at the same time. " wait, w-what? ",

my face gone red as he huffs out a laugh at my reaction. " is this- was that- does that mean you-", i stop and my mouth goes wide as the realization hit me.

josh loves me back?

i cover my face to avoid him seeing me on the verge of happy tears. " oh my god.",

i hear josh laughs and i attack him with a hug, automatically planting my face into his shoulders.

josh is in shock at first but he reciprocate the hug tightly and rubs my back. " i love you too, tyler. ", josh whispers in my ear that makes me both shiver and happy.

" i can't believe you- jesus christ.", i laugh and run my hand in his hair.

we pull off from each other but josh still has his hands around my waist, holding me close to him. i blush even more at how close we are and how pretty his face looks up close. it's heavenly.

  
" you're so pretty. ", i trail off as i admire his face.

josh giggles. " thank you. ",

his eyes goes down to my lips in a split second and looks back up to me. " can i kiss you, tyler?", josh nears himself even more to tyler.

i feel giddy inside and i smile to him. " please. ", i let out.

our mouth meets softly and i moan at how satisfying this is. i finally get to kiss josh. i neve thought i would even get far to do that. this is the most happy i've ever been in my life.

i cup josh's face and throw my head back a bit to deepen it and it feels so good. i can feel his chapped lips and a bit of scruff on his face.

i smile in the middle of the kiss and he starts to smile too and laughs softly. we lean our foreheads against each other and look deeply into each other's eyes. i sigh in adoration at the view.

yeah, talking to a door is definitely worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm bad at endings


End file.
